caged free bird
  1. Dear Diary, Part 5

    July 31, 2015  |  2 Comments

    My father has written me two letters since I’ve been in Verdun, the second more pleasant than the first if I may add. I don’t know know what to say to anyone anymore. Yesterday my mom and aunt came. It was nice seeing my aunt again, she really knows what to say and I cried a lot. A few days ago I had a nervous breakdown, but none like I’ve ever had before, I fell to the floor, my whole body was shaking and I was completely numb, my hands were paralyzed  in a position that truly frightened me. My last two fingers on each hand were folded in and couldn’t be released. My teeth were chattering. It was terrible. My mind and body can’t take this anymore. I’m tired all the time. Today is the 28th.. It’s been 49 long days.

    Seeing everyone in prison, listening to their stories, seeing the way they act, what they say.. You learn things in here you could never imagine seeing or learning outside. The problem is that I can’t express them. I can’t put my thoughts into words. Why? It’s weird.

    I saw my mother and my sister. I missed my sister so much. My cousins and aunt wrote me letters. I miss them.

    It’s night time and I can’t sleep. The girls being tortured upstairs are screaming haunting screams. Khalas, I can’t. I’m done.

    It’s Tuesday, the 9th of July.. Ramadan is tomorrow and I thought I had so much to do before that and I would definitely be out. So I had an investigation today… Also, the fact that the guards were from my prison who know me were with me relaxed me as well, odd how this prison is my “safe house” sort of now. I just want this story to be over.  I hated seeing that investigator again..Shocking how calm he was this time, hah.

    It’s July 19th. Time moves so slow yet so fast. Mom also told me they’ve put off my case for a couple of weeks. I had a nervous breakdown again. I want my life back.

    So it’s August 6th. I had a court date. It went okay, although I regret some things. They put me face to face with the Bitch. I saw all my friends. It was so nice..

    August 13th: It’s been 3 months. I’m even getting sick of the one person I can relate to in here. I love her, she’s a sweetheart and always takes care of me, but everybody’s selfish and I understand it. You have to be in a place like this. My mom told me that she hopes I “learned a lesson”. Yeah, no one will EVER know what you can learn in a place like this. I can’t take this shit anymore, I really cant. The memory of being handcuffed in front of everyone you know and looking like shit like this is enough.. So I don’t want to hear “I hope you learned” anymore.

    Somebody save me.

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  2. Joelle Giappesi | January 18, 2016

    Thank you for sharing. Next month, on the 23rd of February, it will be 10 years that I was released from prison. And also 10 years that I am heroin free, and tranquilizers free. I went today to the women’s prison in Baabda and shared my story too, with the inmates… It’s been 10 years and I’m still emotionally shaken when I enter a prison. Even though I know that I will eventually retrieve my life at the end of the visit, I can still feel the distress I was in, when I first entered the prison… for five years!
    The girls were stunned by the fact that I was able to relate to all their stories, that I also had mine to share, so similar to theirs… They made me promise to come back. I will, if I get a new authorization.
    Keep sharing!

  3. FreeBird | January 18, 2016

    Thank YOU for sharing your story. I will keep writing, and your encouragement means the world to me. If I was in Lebanon, I would be visiting with you. I would love to share that feeling. I’m with you in spirit! My heart goes out to you, and every single woman in all of the prisons. You’re a strong beautiful woman, Joelle.